tuff, but worth it

Last week was really hard for me. Much harder than I imagined it would have been. Monday Edwardo went to work for the first time. We had set up a brick layers position for him, and he was excited to be starting a new life! His job site is in our neighborhood, so we imagined he would be home soon after the site closed. He never showed up.

About 3AM Edwardo came home. He had been drinking, but his biggest change was in his resolve - to not stay clean anymore. He insisted that this was in his blood, and that nothing could change that.

Tuesday was a sad and difficult day for me. I met up with Edwardo at the local soup kitchen and we talked. He was done trying. I knew from the beginning that this was a possible, and not unlikely outcome, but living through it knocked me down hard. I really really wanted to see Edwardo make it. All seven of us in the house had pulled out all the stops to try and help make it possible... but in the end he made a different choice.

I feel like I learned a lot about being a living sacrifice. There is an advantage to not being a living sacrifice, in that you don't have to see your self-sacrifice going to waste. But we weren't called to die for Jesus, we were called to live for Him. I am learning to have peace in this tension. My sacrifice is my worship - and as much as my heart will long to see it bring about new life for those around me, it is a life worth living regardless of the immediate consequences.

I knew all of this in my head, now God is helping me to have peace in the practice. And we would, and undoubtably will, do it all again as we are led. The good thing about giving of yourself is that it gets easier each time. This experience kicked my butt... but I am thankful for it. I know that for the difficulty, we are stronger today.